Mitch Buchannon, Ryan McBride, Garner Ellerbee & Diamant Teague (Baywatch Nights)

Created by Douglas Schwartz, Michael Berk, Gregory J. Bonann and David Hasselhoff

“It’s the critics! They’re coming for us, Mitch…”

See what Charlie’s Angels hath wrought?

Spun off from the inexplicably popular Baywatch, Baywatch Nights (1995 -1997) was a deli platter of a show–a thick slice of video turkey, with prime ham David Hasselhoff reprising his Baywatch role as beefcake lifeguard MITCH BUCHANNON, accompanied by a side order of token Black beach cop buddy GARNER ELLERBEE and for dessert, cheesecake forensic expert/private eye RYAN McBRIDE (played by supermodel Angie Harmon) to form The Buchannon and McBride Detective Agency.

The way Mitch explains it, “my best friend Garner (Gregalan Williams) went partners in a bankrupted detective agency with a beautiful brunette PI (Angie Harmon) who left New York for the California sun and adventure.”

Uh-huh.

Together the trio took on various cases, none of them particularly interesting or even logical, and then they tried shifting gears for the second season, replacing Garner with DIAMONT TEAGUE, an expert in the paranormal, and increasing the weirdness quotient of the “mysteries” (more than one critic dismissed the show as X-Files on the beach), but in both seasons the plots–no matter how ridiculous–somehow always involved–surprise, surprise!–Mitch’s day job and… scantily clad women!

But who are we kidding?

That was pretty much the whole point. Plenty of skin on display at all times, and what plot there was merely served as something to cleanse the palate between the meat shots. Somehow, they even convinced singer Lou Rawls to play the owner of a blues club that served as the agency’s unofficial headquarters. They cranked out 44 of these mystery meats for syndication and astoundingly, there are still people, presumably still living in their parents’ basement, bemoaning its demise.

UNDER OATH

  • “What the fuck is the deal with Baywatch Nights?…I mean, Dude!!! Guys would watch girls solve complex trigonometry problems if they were in bikinis… and now this greedy fucker (David Hasselhoff) thinks he’s such a scary talent, that he’s so popular, that just one show can’t contain it.. Dude! So I plopped my ass on the couch and on pops this Baywatch Nights… you ever seen this? It opens with this creepy X-Files ooooooh music… and David Hasselhoff swaggers towards the camera, coming out of the mist, like he’s Tommy Toughnuts or something… Billy Bigballs. I mean, Dude! Don’t all the idiots in the world who watch this shit ever get tired of being stupid all the time?”
    a character in Brian Michael Bendis’ Jinx clues us in on what he really thinks of the show.

TELEVISION

  • BAYWATCH NIGHTS
    (1995 -1997, syndicated)
    44 60-minute episodes
    Created by Douglas Schwartz, Michael BerkGregory J. Bonann and David Hasselhoff
    Writers: David Assael, Michael Berk, Donald R. Boyle, David Braff, Gerry Conway, Gordon T. Dawson, Paul F. Edwards, George Geiger, Carey Hayes, Chad Hayes, Maurice Hurley, Len Janson, Robert McCullough, Kimmer Ringwald, Mark Rodgers, Douglas Schwartz, William A. Schwartz, Michael Sloan, Greg Strangis
    Starring David Hasselhoff as MITCH BUCHANNON
    Angie Harmon as RYAN McBRIDE
    Gregory Alan Williams as GARNER ELLERBEE
    and Dorian Gregory as DIAMONT TEAGUE (second season)
    With Lisa Stahl as Destiny
    Lou Rawls as Lou Raymond
    Eddie Cibrian as Griff Walker
    Donna D’Errico as Donna Marco

    • SEASON ONE | Buy this DVD
    • “Pursuit”(September 30, 1995)
    • “Bad Blades” (October 7, 1995)
    • “Silent Witness” (October 14, 1995)
    • “Deadly Vision” (October 21, 1995)
    • “Just a Gigolo” (October 8, 1995)
    • “976 Ways to Say I Love You” (November 4, 1995)
    • “Pressure Cooker (November 11, 1995)
    • “Balancing Act (November 18, 1995)
    • “Blues Boy” (November 25, 1995)
    • “Kind of a Drag” (December 2, 1995)
    • “Takeover” (February 3, 1996)
    • “Thin Blood” (February 10, 1996)
    • “Payback” (February 17, 1996)
    • “Backup” (February 24, 1996)
    • “Thief in the Night” (March 2, 1996)
    • “The Curator” (March 9, 1996)
    • “Code of Silence” (March 16, 1996)
    • “Vengeance ” (April 20 Apr, 1996)
    • “Epilogue’ (April 27 Apr, 1996)
    • “Rendezvous” (May 4, 1996)
    • “A Closer Look” (May 11, 1996)
    • “Heat Rays” (May 18, 1996)
    • SEASON TWO | Buy this DVD
    • “Terror of the Deep” (September 29, 1996)
    • “The Creature (October 6, 1996)
    • “The Rig (October 13, 1996)
    • “The Strike (October 20, 1996)
    • “Circle of Fear” (October 27, 1996)
    • “The Cabin” (November 3, 1996)
    • “Curse of the Mirrored Box” (November 10, 1996)
    • “Last Breath” (November 17, 1996)
    • “Night Whispers” (November 24, 1996)
    • “Space Spore” (Janiary 19, 1997)
    • “The Mobius” (March 2, 1997)
    • “Possessed” (February 2, 1997)
    • “Frozen Out of Time” (February 9, 1997)
    • “Nights to Dragon One” (February 16, 1997)
    • “Ascension” (February 23, 1997)
    • “Zargtha” (April 5, 1997)
    • “The Servant” (April 12, 1997)
    • “Symbol of Death ” (April 19, 1997)
    • “The Eighth Seal” (April 26, 1997)
    • “Hot Winds” (May 3, 1997)
    • “The Vortex” (May 9, 1997)
    • “A Thousand Words ” (May 16, 1997)
Respectfully submitted by Kevin Burton Smith.

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