Created by Timothy Lea
Pseudonym of Christopher WoodÂ
(1935-2015)
Part of a long-running string of “autographical” slap-and-tickle soft-core paperbacks by Britsh writer Timothy Lea, Confessions of a Private Dick (1975), found series regulars TIMOTHY LEA and his brother-in-law Sid once more unemployed. Not too surprising, perhaps, given that they’re not exactly the sharpest chisels in the toolbox.
It’s Sid’s idea, actually, to become private eyes, all excited after he and Tim have just enjoyed a P.I. flick down at the local cinema. “One man against a corrupt society–and pulling all the crumpet on the side,” he suggests to Tim. “Can’t be bad.”
Tim, not being noticeably more intelligent than Sid, quickly agrees, and is soon enough shopping for suitable office space, and having his way with Miss Bradford, a “shapely coloured lady” whom he describes as “richly knockered.”
And so it goes… anyone familiar with nudge-nudge wink-wink school of British humour (which runs the gambit from Benny Hill and the Carry On films to Monty Python and Tom Sharpe) will know what to expect: strangled and mangled euphemisms, a tsunami of outrageous sexual expressions utilizing everything from Cockney rhyming slang to phrases the author just most likely just pulled out of his ass (“furtling the furburger”? “grumble mumble”? “playing the crumpet voluntary”?), plenty of sex and plenty of outlandish scenarios, such as Tim being molested  by a gang of horny eighteen-year-old school girls, ice cubes displayed by a French girl dispensed in a very unusual manner, and being hired (by the British secret service, no less) to hunt down whoever’s has been flooding England with doctored photos of politicians (including Margaret Thatcher) having group sex.
Through it all, narrator Timothy, he of the “knocker complex,” keeps his head (and other body parts) up; a cheekier, raunchier, more British riff on Tokey Wedge. Mind you, Tokey appeared in twenty or so books, whereas Tim and Sid seemed to have new jobs in every book. Their adventures as private dicks were strictly one-and-done.
The author, whose real name was Christopher Hovelle Wood, was an English screenwriter and novelist. As a novelist, he wrote semi-autobiographical literary fiction, historical fiction, and adventure novels, but of course he’s most famous (notorious?) for the tongue-in-cheek erotica of the Confessions series he wrote as Timothy Lea, such much beloved one-handed classics as Confessions of a Luxury Liner, Confessions of an Ice Cream Man and Confessions of a Plumber’s Mate. Under his own name, he also adapted two of Ian Fleming’s James Bond novels for film: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977, with Richard Maibaum) and Moonraker (1979), and write the screenplay for Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985), based on Warren Murphy and Richard Sapir’s bestselling Destroter series. And he wrote the screenplays for several of the films based on thhis oen Confessions books: Confessions of a Window Cleaner (1974), Confessions of a Pop Performer (1975), Confessions of a Driving Instructor (1976), and Confessions from a Holiday Camp (1977).
NOVELSÂ
- Confessions of a Private Dick (1975) | Buy this book | Kindle it!
RELATED LINKS
- X-Rated Eyes
Dirty Eyes & Other Not-So-Private Dicks
