Meg Hammer

Created by Henry Beard
(1945)

Appearing under the gag pen name of Germaine Spillane, it’s obvious that “My Gun is Cute” was intended of a parody of Mike Hammer.

Only problem?

With Spillane it’s hard to tell who’s zooming who, since more than a few people think Mike Hammer was already a parody.

But here she is, MARGARET “MEG” HAMMER,  re-envisioned as a  feisty, feminist-friendly tough blonde private eye in the May 1972 issue of National Lampoon.

Of course, this is the National Lampoon, not exactly known for its tastefulness or its “For All” ratings, so she’s also referred to as a private dike, a private cunt, a private clit, etc. And some of the gags do come off as a little misanthropic, but hey, it’s a parody of Spillane.

Sure, the similes are a little strained and the puns are painful, like Mickey was having a fire sale and everything had to go, go, go. Let’s just say, Chandler this ain’t.

Still, the pulp flowed…

• “… as nervous as a nun who’s three months late”
• “a nasty-looking greaser in a cheap suit slid over to me like a piece of zucchini in a pan full of Mazola”
• “… it probably wasn’t all that loud, but the way my nerves were, it sounded like Ruby Keeler falling into the orchestra pit.”
• “He went down faster than anyone’s sister in Tijuana.”
• “I wondered what his face would look like with a fork in it”
• “You’ve got a bad case of gunorrhea there.”

And it’s pretty clear what Meg thinks of the patriarchy when she commands a throng of thugs she has at gunpoint to “… take out your peckers and hold them tight,” thinking to herself that “none of them had anything there Smithsonian would be interested in.”

The plot itself? Let’s just say you won’t ever think of feminine hygiene products the same way again.

The butt end of the article warned readers not to miss “other Germaine Spillane thrillers,” including such promising  titles as Knit One, Kill Two, Add Lead and Serve; Me, Broad; Blood Pudding and Gunnilingus.

alas, none of them ever came to fruition, but Meg did return in Murder in the Mist in 1980 by indie filmmaker Lisa Gottlieb. When she turned the story into the 1980 low-budget film short (based on Beard’s original story), she kept the snappy patter going, adding little gems like “Relax, Sylvia, you can’t eat the Venetian blinds,  and changed the setting to the 1950s.

The plot of the 28-minute film, which Gottlieb thought of as “a takeoff on misogynist film noir,” bounced around the festival circuit where it was well received, and  helped Gotlieb get her foot in the door in Hollywood. She later served as casting director for The Blues Brothers Movie and directed the cult classic Just One of the Boys (1985).

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

American humorist and novelist Henry Beard was born in 1945 in New York City, but escaped to become a co-founder (along with Douglas Kenney and Robert Hoffman) of National Lampoon. He’s also penned over thirty-five  books of linguistically oriented humor, three guides to politically correct language, three handbooks of Latin adapted to contemporary usage and the best-selling Tolkien parody Bored of the Rings (1968). He later went on to write the screenplays for three straight-to-video comedies starring Leslie Nielsen:  Leslie Nielsen’s Bad Golf Made Easier (1993), Leslie Nielsen’s Stupid Little Golf Video (1997) and Bad Golf My Way (1994).