Diana Andrews

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Created by Albert Tucher

Defiant, unapologetic and streetwise DIANA ANDREWS is a crime-solving hooker in New Jersey who has — so far — appeared in more than seventy hard-boiled short stories in venues including the anthology The Best American Mystery Stories 2010.”

So… she’s not a private eye, not exactly — more of a gifted amateur. At least, originally.

But her long-awaited first “longer case,” the novella “The Same Mistake Twice,” which came out in 2013, seems to suggest she may be leaving her prostitution days behind. The author, ambitious and prolific Albert Tucher, certainly hopes readers don’t mind — he has several books in the can, waiting to be published, including Do Overs, Tentacles, The Homicide Sisters, The Senatrix and The Good Place. He goes on to explain:

“Here’s the lowdown on Diana: I have five still-unpublished novels about her, during which she gets out of hooking and is recruited as a professional bodyguard. The company that hired her is nearly destroyed by an internal betrayal, and as the only one left standing, she becomes president, tasked with rebuilding the company. 
Which she does. Some of my short stories are about early Diana, when she’s still hooking, and others are about her subsequent career. I’m up to about 100 stories now.”

So in The Honorary Jersey Girl (2019), Diana seems to be a sort of semi-legit fixer, having settled down, more or less in suburban Driscoll, New Jersey, and running a security business of sorts, with her crew of seasoned bodyguards on hand, supposedly “the toughest in the business,” whom she can count on, just in case. Also lurking in the vicinity is her cop buddy, Detective Dale Tillotson, “one of the few men in her life… who had never seen her naked.”

“It’s complicated,” says the author.

We shall see… having tracked down a few of the stories from Diana’s call girl days, I have to say, this Tucher guy has gifted us with some hard little gems, everything from flash fiction to novellas and now, novels, and a tough-as-nails hero whose street-level pragmatism and wry, no-nonsense worldview could go a long way. Even more intriguing, he seems to have created a veritable Dianaverse of well-drawn recurring characters who weave in and out of Diana’s life, even appearing in their own stories.

UNDER OATH

  • “A lean, mean confluence of complicated women and the seedier side of paradise, The Honorary Jersey Girl is suspenseful and plenty of fun.”
    — Kristen Lepionka
  • “The Honorary Jersey Girl has the kick-assiest cast of women—badass bodyguards, wily hookers, and a fierce attorney—who power this taut, relentlessly-paced novella that rips through the gritty underworld of Hawaii like a stray bullet, searching for flesh to pierce. This is deeply satisfying noir from a master of the craft.”
    — Kevin Catalano

SHORT STORIES

  • “Cigarettes” (2004, Deadly Ink Program)
  • “R’end”orseg” (Summer 2005, Lynx Eye)
  • “Rotten in the State of New Jersey” (2006, Deadly Ink Short Story Collection)
  • “Smoking or Nonsmoking?” (September/October 2006, Thug Lit)
  • “The Fate Worse than Death” (December 9, 2006, Muzzle Flash)
  • “Girlfriend Experience” (Spring 2007, Demolition)
  • “It’s a Job” (Spring 2007, Mouth Full of Bullets)
  • “Markers” (February/March 2007, Thug Lit)
  • “What I Know About Men” (2007, Crime Zine #18)
  • “Tipping is Optional” (March 9, 2007, Muzzle Flash)
  • “There are Rules” (May 12, 2007, Muzzle Flash)
  • “The Most Beautiful Sight on Earth” (June 8, 2007, Muzzle Flash)
  • “A Good Shot in the Nose” (Fall 2007, Mysterical-e)
  • “Contracts 101” (October 19, 2007, Muzzle Flash)
  • “Frisson” (August 2007, Thug Lit)
  • “Enlarge Your Penis” (January 13, 2008, Muzzle Flash)
  • “Dreams Never Die” (September 15, 2008, Muzzle Flash)
  • “Schoolgirl Act” (Fall 2008, Mysterical-e)
  • “Dying for a Smoke” (A Twist of Noir #7)
  • “Rose Petal Hard” (A Twist of Noir #24)
  • “Generous Gentlemen” (January 2009, Crooked)
  • “No Hands” (March 28, 2009, Beat to a Pulp)
  • “The Full Hour” (February 2009, Thug Lit)
  • “The Sleaze Factor” (2009, Flash Fiction Offensive)
  • “Little Miss Perfect” (April 2009, A Twist of Noir)
  • “Bismarck Rules” (2009, Oregon Literary Review)
  • “Religion” (2009, Deadly Ink Short Story Collection)
  • “The Vulnerable Moment” (July 2009, A Twist of Noir)
  • “A Guy Walks into a Bar” (August 2009, Flash Fiction Offensive)
  • “The Hideous Lime Green Truth” (Nov. 30, 2009, Powder Burn Flash)
  • “The Only Amateur” (December 21, 2009, Scalped)
  • “Changing the Game” (January 30, 2010, A Twist of Noir #324)
  • “Bismarck Rules” (2010, Best American Mystery Stories 2010)
  • “The Full Mary Alice” (September 26, 2011, A Twist of Noir)
  • “Shoot Me” (2010, Temptation Magazine)
  • “The Work Wife” (Winter 2010-11, Mysterical-e)
  • “Safe Passage” (Dec. 21, 2010, Do Some Damage)
  • “Value for the Money” (December 17, 2011, Untreed Reads)
  • “The Worst Thing in the World” (January 23, 2012, A Twist of Noir)
  • “The Retro Look” (April 16, 2012, Untreed Reads)
  • “Another Day at the Office” (July 1, 2012, All Due Respect)
  • “Cast Iron” (December 14, 2012, Shotgun Honey)
  • “Plan B” (February 14, 2013, A Twist of Noir)
  • “Under the Bu” (2013, Thug Lit)
  • “Parking Can Be Murder” (September 1, 2013, Gumshoe Review)
  • “Split the Difference” (12/15/2013, Untreed Reads)
  • “Karma” (2014, Spinetingler)
  • “Desperation” (November/December 2014, Thug Lit)
  • “Cheeks” (Betty Fedora #1)
  • “The Sixth Floor” (The Protectors II)
  • “The Fruit Of Thy Loins” (Untreed Reads)
  • “The Fate Worse Than Death” (December 9, 2006, Muzzle Flash)
  • “Rotten in the State of New Jersey” (2006, The Deadly Ink 2006 Short Story Collection)
  • “Tipping is Optional” (March 9, 2007, DZ Allen’s Muzzle Flash)
  • “It’s a Job” (April 2, 2007, Mouth Full of Bullets)
  • “Contracts 101” (July 6, 2007, DZ Allen’s Muzzle Flash)
  • “Girlfriend Experience” (2007, Demolition Magazine)
  • “Enlarge Your Penis” (December 6, 2008, A Twist of Noir)
  • “No Hands” (March 28, 2009, Beat To a Pulp)
  • “The Ancient Fucking Mariner” (February 11, 2011, Albert Tucher)
  • “Value for the Money” (December 2011, digital) | Kindle it!
  • “Showtime” (February 3, 2012, Spinetingler Magazine)
  • “The Retro Look” (June 2012, digital) | Kindle it!
  • “Calories” (October 2012, digital) | Kindle it!
  • “Territory” (January 28, 2015, digital)
  • Wrinkles” (February 8, 2016, Shotgun Honey)
  • The First Rule” (November 17, 2016, Shotgun Honey)
  • Illusions” (2017, Spinetingler)
  • The Caffeine Cure” (March 1, 2018, Shotgun Honey)
  • Territory” (Switchblade #8)
  • The Best Gift of Al” (December 25, 2018, Shotgun Honey)
  • Modesty” (2019; Pulp Modern)
  • “Chlorine” (fortcoming, Rock And a Hard Place)

NOVELLAS & NOVELS

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Respectfully submitted by Kevin Burton Smith.

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