Created by Peter M. Lenkov
“Here. Hold my weiner.”
— Parker displays some of his cutting-edge wit.
Somebody somewhere must have made a checklist of every annoying, dumb-ass cliche and stereotype about American TV private eyes of the previous decade that was ever driven into the ground, and then put them all together in this one two-hour 1990 cheese plate.
Pretty boy Jeff Fahey stars as cynical, wise-cracking Los Angeles P.I. PARKER KANE, a leather-jacket, jeans, and cowboy boots-wearing rebel without a clue. He drinks beer, has a cat he rescued from the junkyard, drives a classic rare sportscar (a Kharman Ghia, in this case, or is it a Porsche 356?), hangs around a pool hall/bar and lives in a funky downtown loft. He has an ex-wife (of course) and he’s an ex-cop (naturally) and is an ex-jock (Golden Gloves). He narrates the flick in a pseudo hard-boiled tough-guy talk that’s about as gritty as an episode of The Brady Bunch.
Jan, take notes, before Marcia does.
Oh, and he lets us in on the rules by which he lives (“I like to call ’em Parker’s Principles. Know ’em, memorize ’em and live by ’em.”). He even occasionally breaks the fourth wall to let us in on them.
Lucky us.
He, of course, doesn’t like violence, but packs an automatic. He plays piano, shoots pool and drives a motorcycle without a helmet so we can all admire his on-the-edge recklessness and his nice, blow-dried do. This is all supposed to make us think of him as a wild and crazy guy who’s also as cute as a new puppy, but Kane comes off as conceited grandstanding jerk.
In this one-off (one shudders to think it might have been a pilot), Parker investigates his pal Joey’s murder and uncovers a plot involving toxic waste dumping. But enough about network television programming.
Add two points for featuring soul belter Patti LaBelle as a nightclub singer, but take away five for being executive produced by Joel “Die Hard” Silver.
Silver has produced so much better. But possibly not worse.
UNDER OATH
- “I wish it didn’t take itself so seriously, because the hero investigator comes off as a conceited jack wagon and the film a waste of nitrate.”
— Dennis Schwartz Movie Reviews
TELEVISION
- PARKER KANE
(1990, NBC)
2-hour TV movie
Written by Peter M. Lenkov
Directed by Steve Perry
Executive Producer: Joel Silver
Starring Jeff Fahey as PARKER KANE
Also starring Marisa Tomei, Drew Snyder, Richard Zobel, Chino ‘Fats’ Williams, Gail O’Grady, Patti LaBelle, Zakes Mokae, Stellan Skarsgård, David Caruso, Alan Rosenberg, Billy Wirth, William Lucking, Amanda Pays, Rick Aiello
FURTHER INVESTIGATION
- City of Angels, City of Dicks
Los Angeles Eyes
Respectfully submitted by Kevin Burton Smith. Thanks to Andy for the prod.
